On Leave
by Icehang
Summary: The events that shall transpire for the next month or so shall baffle and confuse the mercs to the existence of one "Jane Doe" as many interesting figures looking for the die-heart patriot come into his life again. Those included but are not limited to, Doe's Ex Wife, Father, Old best friend, a Robotic lawyer, and a talking "bald eagle."
1. Chapter 1

It was sunset, most of the mercs winding down from their days work. A handful of them were in the communal living room, namely; Mikhail eating what appeared to be some kind of whole wheat sandwich on the couch; Jeremy tuning the antenna on the television set trying to get a baseball game into signal; and finally Tavish and Jane sitting at the kitchen table speaking with each other about the days events and downing spirits every other sentence.

The rest of the mercenaries had retired for the evening to each ones private quarters. It was a quiet hum of life that happened every evening for these individuals employed to kill people.

"God damnit! Why wont this fucking thing work? It works just fine every other day when we have to watch your boring bird show, but the second scout need his baseball game noooooo."

Mikhail may have taken offence, but he didn't show it. Instead he seemed more so displeased with his sandwich as the young man in front of him struggled with the reception. "Heavy thinks birds aren't as boring as baseball. Look! Man run around field after hit ball! Over and over again, for three hours. Thrilling."

The Scout did not hear the jab or care about it over the seemingly sisyphus task of attaining his much enjoyed baseball game. "Anyone know if overalls can do anything with this hunk of junk? It happens every single time. Well except that one time… and that other time. And yeah that time last week too…"

Jane had apparently told a particularly funny story as Tavish burst into a fit of laughter. "That's not even the best part! I had to dig my way out of there with my bare hands because i was to busy beating the rats to death with my shovel!" A cacophony of laughter and glasses falling from the table rose.

Thru fits of laughter Tavish tried to rebuttal his friends story with a grander tale. This went on for a time and everyone was complacent.

A shrill buzzing could be heard in the intercoms signalling that somebody had come to the door of the mercs housing: a secret bunker, secret being the key word. Everyone glanced at each other, the only people that ever come to the living quarters are the mercs and miss Pauling on rare occasion. That said, there is absolutely no reason miss pauling would be here at this late even.

Silence ran for thirty seconds before another buzz sounded. "Uh… anyone order pizza?" scout said hesitantly. "No one should know about this place" the heavy stated as he continued gnawing at the sandwich he seemed not to care for. "I swear to god if its Merasmus again i'm going to kill you myself soldier, how many times has he just shown up and tried killing all of us? I lost count, no really." "Merasmus… " The Demoman raised an eyebrow, "I could've sworn we killed him four times by now. "

Yet another buzz rang followed by some more frantic buzzing after in succession, seems someone is impatient. "I didn't even know we had doorbell." the soldier began to thoughtfully think about doorbells for a moment.

"Someone should probably answer that, no?" The spy appearing from nothing as usual stated nonchalantly Something must have brought his interest."it's quite odd that anything could find us all the way out here…" Remarkably the television set sprung to life with the sound of good old fashioned american baseball. "Oh hey! Somebody else get it i'm busy now" the scout said as he sat down on the couch in front of the television. "heavy is eating" heavy stated. The Demoman seemed to have passed out face down on the table when nobody was looking. More buzzing kept ringing.

"Soldier if you would be so kind…" Spy asked pulling jane from his manic thoughts of doorbells."Oh, yeah, sure." jane went off too what the mercs used as a front door, a thick steel door was near the far end of the bunker, shotgun in hand. Light banging could be heard as well as the buzzing. "Whoooo issss iiit?" the soldier asked in a singsong voice. No answer came but more buzzing and knocking. Hesitantly Soldier reached for the handle to open the door, it was dark when he opened it and hard to see anything.

Jane could see a reddish hue in the dark, a smaller figure. The automatic lights came on a few moments after he opened the door, A very attractive woman appearing to be in her late thirties in a stylish dress with the american flag on it. She had blonde hair and ruby red lips. Not only was she conventionally beautiful but she also looked rather fit. Mr Doe froze in place. Sudden fear in his eyes."J-jane? Is that really you?!" the beautiful women said in such an eager tone as her eyes seemed to light up with stars.

Soldier almost instantly slammed the door shut at seeing the look on her face, and started running away towards his private quarters.


	2. Chapter 2

The breakneck pace that Jane ran made him but a blur to the men in the living room.. His fellow mercenaries had still been in their relaxed states with the exception of spy eyeballing scouts enraptured sport viewing. A thought unbeknownst to many passed spies head; "somthing somthing cats and cradles." The heavy still struggling to stomach his dinner and Tavish still quite indisposed.

The spy was drawn from his thoughts as the normality manic and semi-composed jane sprinted to the direction of his room, more importantly away from the front door. He wondered to himself whether or not he would have to murder a wizard again, but paused that thought as he remembered Jane had much more bravado towards the aforementioned wizard. "Something… is not alright at all." Spy decided to check out what had shocked soldier so much and made his way towards the front door.

* * *

"How damnit! How!?" Jane yelled as he was packing what valuables he deemed necessary to his person. The commotion had not gone unnoticed as in the entryway of Jane's room stood a confused and curious pyromaniac. "I faked two funerals!, And she still keeps looking for me!" Jane was stuffing as many cans as he could into a beat up sack not fit to hold anything but faith.

"Mphm?" spoke the Pyro as he gazed at jane stuffing his rocket launcher with several loaves of bread. "I mean sure, having them on the same day was probably not a good idea, but I wanted her to be twice as sure I was dead." Pyro looked in awe at the speed at which Jane flew around his room. Jane pulled a box out from under his worn cot and threw it on the mounting pile of presumed traveling supplies. Pyro look quizzingly at the box and as they were gazing a den of raccoons was thrown one at a time on said pile as well, narrowingly missing pyro. "I need a _new_ town, with a new name, again!"Jane said as he grabbed handfuls of various munitions and scrap metal in his room." "Mphhmmp?!"

The pyro was a odd fellow indeed, but even they knew that Jane was acting out of character. Jane wasn't the type to pick everything up (literally it seems in this case) and cut town. Pyro was even more so curious, so as Jane had his back turned, they took the curious box jane had thrown upon his survival pile and quickly ran around the corner to explore its contents.

It was a shoe box, beat up and bent, but when opened inside it was the most curious thing... A smaller metal box , clearly well taken care of and markless except for the initials upon the top along with a keyhole with ornate carvings around it. The Initials read "J. H. D" In some quite fanciful calligraphy. An educated guess would suggest that said initials are for Jane H. Doe, however with how clean and even beautiful the writing was one would think that it had not possibly belonged to Jane. The pyro poked and prodded at the box seeing to open its contents and state their curiosity however it didn't even seem to open on a hing. Perhaps it doesn't even open? Pyro wondered and wondered as they inspected the ornate box.

* * *

Spy was a dashing, charismatic rouge. Worldly and mysterious, he was quite the ladies man knowing just what to say at the right time, but in front of him was a woman that made him forget his words completely, and replaced them with stutter and embarrassment. "Yes I said I was happy to see him! No I didn't say anything about you!" The woman in front of the cloaked spy was on a fairly large phone speaking with an almost robotic voice on the other end.

" _This had the soldier so worked up?"_ Spy was a enigma himself but the soldier seemed to keep surprising him with whatever background information he acquired from Jane. Park ranger? Yes, he in fact had an almost unsettling affinity with some wildlife. Wizard roommate? In debt to the mafia no less. And now a Gorgeous women crying on the phone seemingly because of Jane. Truly you can never know a man. Spy took it upon himself to walk around the corner and return uncloaked to confront the beauty. Tears and all.

* * *

"Eh?!" Tavish came to with drool and an empty bottle. The scout was watching his sport and the heavy was sitting indifferent watching the sport as well. Tavish eyeballed his surroundings and made sure his bottle was really empty. "Oi? Where'd Soldier go?" Tavish asked the David and Goliath pair. "Dont know, dont ca- BOOOM HELL YEAH!" scout answered over his baseball game. " His room, Heavy think." Heavy stated flatly.

Tavish stood for his chair and almost fell over, trying to catch himself he carried on towards the living quarters as he made sure his bottle was empty. Stumbling and striding he made his way thru the halls as he found the pyro outside of Jane's room on the floor fidgeting with a shiny box." Aye, what you got there mumbles?" The pyro looked a demo as he took his attention away from the box. "Huda huda!" Pyro responded with glee. Demo shook his head stood next to pyro with newfound sobriety as heard the commotion coming from the open door. The scotsman walked thru the threshold and surprised himself as he almost walked into the pile of rubbish and raccoons. "Hey! Jane! What is all this?" Soldier stopped punching a miniature bread monster to stare at Tavish bewildered at the pile "Demo! Perfect! You saved me the trouble of waking you up to say goodbye forever! … Goodbye forever!" Soldier said as he went back to his packing frenzy. "Whadda you mean 'goodbye forever? What's going on?" soldier stopped again mid fight with the now adequately pummeled bread monster too look at demo in the eye. "Long story short, my ex-wife found me and now i have to go fake my death FOUR times. So im gonna have to say goodbye now, forever!"


	3. Chapter 3

"It seems a cold night to be out in the middle of nowhere, don't you think?" the spy, in their typical debonair manner approached the mysterious beauty once he saw that she had ended her conversation over the enormous phone.

The mystery woman sitting elegantly with tears in her eyes and make-up bleeding over her face ignored the masked rogue all-together. She pulled a fairly small bag from the side of her person and gingerly put her oversized cell phone inside it, incredulously the phone went in without so much as a shove. She then took out a small mirror from the bag and began to make herself presentable in the fluorescent light above of the iron door.

"... If I may be so bold as to ask why a lovely flower like yourself finds themselves in this barren countryside?" the spy asked mildly annoyed but not showing it, "it is after all quite a walk from the nearest town."

The "flower" was not to be bothered with the musings of the rouge however, and kept about fixing themselves up with rather efficiente grace. Her flushed cheeks and red eyes seemingly dispersing with sheer will it seemed.

The spy cleared their throat and asked again in a less subtle tone. "What are you doing here, mademoiselle…"

She was applying a fresh coat of lipstick, not a care in the world.

"You do know it's rude to ignore someone, especially when trespassing on private property, yes?" the spy spoke flatly, barely a taste of a threat in his voice.

The women seemed to just finish their face with a small smirk and adjusted their buxom bust right in front of the spy's gaze. The spy actually blushed a bit and took a step back at this woman's clear disregard for his presence.

"How do I look?' She asked the dashing rogue suddenly. Getting up and leaning in ever so slightly towards the spy.

"...uh, Ahem… I…" The spy was choking on their throat. Taking another step back and feeling strangely powerless and attracted at the same time they tried their best to speak but words would not come forth.

"Speechless? Good..." The odd women then reached for their small bag, she pushed an impossibly far way in with her whole arm, and pulled out small piece of paper with several nicks and tears..

"Do you know this man?" she asked holding the paper, a photo as it was, in front of the spy's face.

It was clearly a picture of the soldier, something was off however as he was clearly much younger, and had a solemn expression, almost melancholy. Soldiers clothes, hair, even his eyes looked like something completely different from the person he knew. It was almost startling to see what Jane looked like in youth.

"He is a very important asset, and you would be handsomely rewarded for your cooperation and any information you know about him." she took the paper away and put it back inside her bag. The spy now with significantly more gumption looked at the women with a scrupules gaze.

"I think you owe me the pleasure of your name first my dear." The spy spoke boldly and with a bit of nervousness in his voice at the end. Trying to regain some face in front of this women seemed an impossible task.

"Hmmm…. No." the beauty said callously, as she begin rifling thru their mystery bag and looked bored as she was.

"But if you must call me something, Mrs. Doe would do just fine." she said with a tinge of schoolgirl glee. "Now do you know anything of that man or not?" she said an assertive tone.

"I may know something, that is if I know what kind of reward you are offering" the spy said taking an opening to regain some of his composure.

"Oh, well for starters, I'll let you live"

Mrs. Doe took out a .44 magnum from her bag in one quick trained action and pointed it directly in front of the devilish rouges nose.


End file.
